It’s a weird time. I feel numb and disconnected, with spurts of happiness interspersed. Sometimes, when I look at my impending life span, I can’t imagine feeling this same way for the next 20 years. It’s debilitating — tragic, really. Edging into this deadened place seems like a very slow slide, unnoticed until… here we are.
It’s a profound contrast when — out of the blue — I experience a piece of joy so complete that I remember what it’s like feel.
Last night was such a night.
Molly was singing in the Westminster Choir accompanied by the Lake Washington Orchestra, and her friends were invited to attend.
The performance unexpectedly touched every one of my senses. A large screen as a backdrop featured scratched sepia and muted color footage. Once underway I understood the video depicted home movies of yesteryear, scenes from cities across America in a timeline that matched mine and my parents’ — circa 1940’s through 1960’s. From rushing traffic and fast walking shoppers in crowded Manhattan to America’s open space and Farmland. Families of the ’50s rifled through wrapped packages beneath trees heavy with aluminum tinsel. All the customs of the holidays, all the family traditions across America, unfolded before me.
Perhaps not what my immediate family had experienced, but I was transported nonetheless into the bosom of quiet snowfall, bustling shoppers and hot toddies imbibed on the living room sofa. While immersed in nostalgia, our ears absorbed familiar traditions, and our hearts were split open at “Mary Did You Know” and “I Believe”.
Joy to the World! I felt connected — for the first time in what felt like forever.
Heart-opening music accompanied by memorable visuals allowed my mind to wander over the course of my adult life. Two different husbands, two sets of families. Various scenes of Christmas sorrow, fulfillment and tradition…always with my precious beanie, Edison, under wing.
It all reminded me…. I have a good life. Many memories and much to adore and be grateful for.
Although life is quite different now, and that could be the beauty of it. Living many scenarios, playing many parts, all packed in 60 years. The present feels like a ‘do-over’…reincarnated with new physical, emotional and spiritual tools but with the same birth date and social security number.
I guess the trick is to remember who we were with love, but also remember to let go. Be ready to appreciate and embrace the current scenario.
Life is in constant flux. Families change; husbands depart, parents pass. Our kids grow, acquire their own families, and traditions evolve to accommodate. We grow and change…and our landscape changes with us.
It helps no one to sit in a fog of disconnectedness waiting for … what? …. rescue?
Although laid out in sequence here, this awareness filled me simultaneously and quickly. Depression lifted. Empowerment returned. I recalled agency.
It was 11:00 PM when I got home from the event. Regardless of the late hour, I went immediately to my cold, dark storage to retrieve Christmas in the City, a collection that previously gave me great joy and which had been packed away for the last 10 years waiting for the holiday spirit to propel it out of its box.
As I thoughtfully placed the pieces in an intimate display, for my own personal enjoyment, I came to really understand how stuck we can get waiting for life to remain as it was, waiting to fit into the place that we had outgrown a long time ago.
Reverent mention and a profound thank you to Archangel Tzaphkiel, who answered my ‘call upon’ with swiftness and gently lifted the fog for me to see.
